This posting might confuse some people. Then again, it might not. I know a lot of Rick's work associates and extended family check our blog, which I think is pretty cool. Even though this blog is dedicated to "our" life together (meaning Rick and I), I think you have to know my background in order to know me, and I think a lot of people that know Rick don't know my story.
I was married to Adam at age 23. He was everything to me. He was a great man. He was the love of my life. Adam was sadly diagnosed with cancer at age 25 and passed away only 6 short weeks after being diagnosed-on July 16th, 3 years today. As much I as I try to make my life and marriage to Adam separate from my life and upcoming marriage to Rick, at times the lines blur and the become one. A person cannot know me or love me without understanding what I've been through in the last 3 years losing Adam. It's been a long, hard struggle-mostly uphill, but the beauty is finding Rick, a 2nd love of my life. Finding love after losing love makes you appreciate your relationship in such a different kind of way.
Today, on the 3 year mark of losing Adam, is the kind of day where lines blur and I have to rely on Rick to get me through the pain of losing Adam. I get all jumbled with emotions and confusion as to how I could possibly love two men, one here, one not. I am not going to claim to understand all of this confusion, even after walking in my own shoes.
What I do know is that I am so extremely blessed. I have loved more than once, I have learned life long lessons that some people never learn. On top of that I have somehow kept my head high and listened to my heart and my gut and I'm still here to talk about it, when I know a lot of people who would have crumbled under the stress.
It seems like whenever these days come around I really contemplate my life and look at one specific thing that I'd like to improve or work on. Right now the word of the day is judgment. I can't possibly tell you how judged I've felt over these last 3 years, or how hard it's been to not overly care about the things that have been said about me. I've learned people will assume things about you without verifying if they're true, even if those people know you well enough to know you're not capable of such things. People tend to judge the most when they have issues about themselves that are so blaringly obvious that they can't stand to point the finger back at themselves and work on that instead of worrying about what other people are doing. I have had the most horrible, offensive and accusatory things said to me. It never ceases to amaze me that people are capable of such mean hearted things and don't think twice about how it makes someone feel. Recently I was called a word that, if untrue, is quite possibly the most offensive thing I can think of.
So, in the face of all this judgment I have learned to judge others less. I struggle every day to be better and judge less. But I would never want ANYone, not even my worst enemy to feel the way that I have felt in these last 3 years with people passing judgment on me.
In honor of Adam, a man that I loved with my whole heart, a man I would have died for, a man I would have gladly traded places with, a man that I honored every day of our marriage and have tried to since, I am letting go. I am letting go of the people that have judged me in the last 3 years and I am putting my foot down that I will not tolerate that kind of treatment ever again.
I am so grateful for Rick's presence in my life. He reminds me that things are good now, and I don't need that kind of negativity in my life and that it's ok to let all of that go.
Whew, was that a rant, or what? That's what blogs are for, right?
I went to the cemetery today by myself and it was nice to sit there in the quiet and think about things. Again, I am so blessed to be where I am today, considering where I've been. I am so lucky to have Rick, who loves me no matter what and is there for me through it all. I am also grateful to have a family who would do anything for me. They have proven to be beyond generous, beyond loving and beyond supportive over the course of the last 3 years. I also count myself lucky to have friends who I consider to be as wonderful and as important as family. I don't know if everyone can say they know for sure that they are not alone and there will always be someone there to pick up the pieces with things fall apart.
Thank you to you all! I love you!
Lauren
